By Virginia Wilcsek
In my latest journey, I found myself back with my ex-husband. The emotions hit me like a tidal wave—anger, unease, and doubt flooded my being. I questioned everything about myself: my appearance, my worth, my choices. The man I was married to seemed to love me, and yet, I was plagued with confusion and pain. I remembered the narratives that kept me small, the manipulation disguised as love. I was told things like, “All Navy SEALs cheat, it’s part of the culture,” and “You’re lucky to have me, even after gaining a few pounds.” Even more shocking, I was told it was “normal” to share—to consider his best friend as an option. I froze in moments like these, disconnected from my own thoughts, unsure of what to say or feel. It felt like my very essence was slipping away.
At that time in my marriage, I didn’t have the tools I’ve built today. I would get angry or shut down, overwhelmed by feelings I didn’t know how to process. Drinking became my way of coping, and partying was my escape—an attempt to numb the pain and forget. I never stood up for myself or set boundaries. I obeyed or avoided, unable to see a way out. In my mind, I would replay those memories over and over, rewriting them in a way that gave me courage and strength: I stood up for myself, I left the marriage sooner, I said no and set boundaries. Those imagined versions of me became a lifeline. Over time, I stopped running from her and instead embraced her. I spent time with the woman I was then, offering her compassion and understanding. I gave her what she didn’t have—support and unconditional love. I let her know that she was doing her best in impossible circumstances and that it was okay.
We are warriors now, I told her. We have come so far, and we are living a good life. I carry her with me, tucked in my heart—a piece of all I’ve endured and a reminder of the strength I’ve cultivated. She gives me courage for whatever life may bring.
This journey to self-compassion began with understanding the dynamics of the relationship I was in and recognizing the emotional manipulation and gaslighting that were ingrained in my experience.
What Are Manipulation and Gaslighting?
- Manipulation: This is a calculated tactic where one person uses emotional, psychological, or physical strategies to control another. It’s often subtle, designed to make the victim question their choices and lose confidence in their reality. Examples include:
- Emotional Blackmail: “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.”
- Guilt-Tripping: “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
- Withholding Information: Deliberately keeping you in the dark to maintain control.
- Excessive Flattery or Gifting: Lavishing you with praise or gifts to manipulate your trust and compliance.
This manipulation often left me in a state of doubt, as if my reality was something to be challenged and reshaped by the words of another. I learned how tactics like emotional blackmail influenced my decisions and kept me tethered to a narrative that didn’t serve my true self.
- Gaslighting: A form of manipulation, gaslighting involves making the victim doubt their perception, memory, and sanity. Common examples include:
- Denial of Events: “That never happened. You’re imagining things.”
- Minimizing Feelings: “You’re overreacting. It’s not a big deal.”
- Shifting Blame: “You’re the one causing problems, not me.”
- Fabricating Events: Insisting you said or did something you know you didn’t.
For years, I thought I might be the one causing trouble. The doubt planted by gaslighting warped my ability to trust myself, leaving me vulnerable to cycles of emotional abuse. This was a defining part of my journey—the constant questioning of my own reality. Slowly, I began to recognize these tactics for what they were, stepping back to regain clarity.
The Impacts of Manipulation and Gaslighting
Both manipulation and gaslighting had profound impacts on me, and acknowledging these effects became part of my healing process.
Psychological Impacts
The emotional weight of manipulation distorted my thinking. I struggled with:
- Loss of self-esteem and confidence.
- Confusion and difficulty trusting my own judgment.
- Overthinking and obsessively questioning my decisions.
Emotional Impacts
The emotional scars went even deeper:
- Anxiety, depression, and feelings of inadequacy.
- Emotional numbness or frequent emotional outbursts.
- Grief from the loss of identity and autonomy.
I noticed how these patterns influenced my emotional responses, holding me captive to a narrative that wasn’t mine to carry. Recognizing them allowed me to reclaim my voice.
Physical Impacts
Even my physical health suffered:
- Fatigue and insomnia from chronic stress.
- Tension headaches and muscle pain.
- A weakened immune system due to prolonged emotional abuse.
Outcomes of Emotional Abuse
The psychological and emotional tolls of manipulation and gaslighting often result in long-term outcomes such as trauma and complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). Survivors may experience:
- Depression: Persistent feelings of sadness, worthlessness, and hopelessness.
- C-PTSD: Symptoms like flashbacks, emotional dysregulation, and a profound sense of disconnection.
- Hyper-Vigilance: A constant state of alertness, always preparing for potential conflict.
- Dissociation: Feeling disconnected from oneself or one’s surroundings as a way to cope with overwhelming stress.
These outcomes are not markers of failure but evidence of the deep impact of emotional abuse. Understanding them is a step towards reclaiming power and moving forward.
How Manipulation and Gaslighting Change Thinking and Behavior
In my experience, these forms of abuse altered my behavior and sense of self in profound ways:
- Self-Doubt: I started second-guessing my intuition and decisions, questioning my worth and abilities.
- Hyper-Vigilance: Constantly anticipating the abuser’s reactions kept me on edge.
- Dependency: I became reliant on the abuser for validation and approval, unaware of my own strength.
In the cycle of abuse, manipulation and gaslighting often fall into the phases of tension-building and maintaining control. These tactics are designed to keep victims trapped in self-doubt, disconnected from their own agency.
Countering the Behavior: Reclaiming Your Power
Breaking free started with small but impactful steps:
- Set Boundaries: I learned to clearly state my limits, e.g., “I will not tolerate being spoken to like this.”
- Affirm Your Reality: I practiced saying, “I know what I saw, and I trust my memory.”
- Build a Support System: Sharing my experiences with trusted friends, family, and a therapist helped me feel heard and validated.
Grounding Yourself During Flashbacks
During moments when I felt myself revisiting those painful times, these techniques provided stability:
- 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Identify five things you see, four you can touch, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste.
- Deep Breathing: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for six.
- Affirmations: Repeat phrases like, “I am safe now,” or “This is not my reality anymore.”
Being Kind to Yourself
One of the most transformative aspects of healing was learning to treat myself with kindness:
- Acknowledge Progress: Celebrate small victories in reclaiming autonomy and emotional clarity.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Treat myself with the same understanding and love I would offer a friend.
- Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nourish my body, mind, and soul.
Healing and Overcoming
Though the process was slow, I learned to take ownership of my healing:
- Establish Boundaries: Protect your peace by clearly defining what’s acceptable in your relationships.
- Remind Yourself of Reality: Keep a journal to document your experiences and validate your truth.
- Reclaim Self-Worth: Focus on affirmations like, “I am enough, just as I am.”
- Know When to Walk Away: Recognize that leaving toxic relationships is an act of self-love.
As the Time Traveling Warrior, I’ve learned that healing is not about forgetting the past but about reclaiming your power in the present. The manipulation, the lies, the gaslighting—they don’t define you. Together, we can rise above the pain, breathe in the strength of our resilience, and empower ourselves as women. The journey is difficult, but the destination—self-love, self-worth, and freedom—is worth it. You are worthy. You are lovable. You are more than enough. And for every battle fought, every wound endured, we rise stronger. We are warriors, always.
Together, we can heal. Together, we can thrive.
For resources and support, visit my website or follow me on social media: The Transcending Pathway | Carlsbad, CA 92008
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Instagram: @mytraumatherapistsays
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