By Sarah McArthur
When I was 10 years old, I lived with my family in Puerto Rico. I was born in Colorado and spent my first eight years in a small mountain town. At eight, we moved from the crisp, dry mountains of Colorado to the lush, humid shores of Puerto Rico for my dad’s job. Gone were the pine trees and snow; in their place were mango trees with fresh fruit, rainforests, and warm ocean waves. It felt like stepping into another world. A place of curiosity, magic, and wonder!
I remember the excitement of the ocean, the sand between my toes, and the sounds that filled the air. Many of my childhood memories are of our Colorado home in the woods, nestled between a river and a pond. Like Moana, I was drawn to water, soothed by it, maybe even called to it. In Puerto Rico, we often went to the beach as a family. We learned to boogie board, built sandcastles, buried each other in the sand, and played in the waves. The birds were plentiful, the sun seemed to be smiling, and the sun’s rays added richness to my brown skin; the water was clear and inviting. It felt like joy in motion.
In the 1990s, there was a popular inflatable alligator for the pool and the beach. I remember my brother having it with us that day on the beach. My dad and brother were out deeper than my mom and me. I don’t recall exactly how deep we were, but suddenly, we were being pulled under by a powerful undercurrent. It was instant chaos and panic.
No amount of swimming prepares a child for the terror of being caught out of sync with the ocean’s waves. I remember my mom trying to hold me up as she went under herself. I gasped for air, flailed my arms and legs, trying desperately to stay afloat. I felt a new kind of panic and terror that day, like looking life and death in the eyes. Luckily, my dad, brother, and that silly inflatable alligator saved our lives.
That memory burned itself into my mind, heart, body, and nervous system. For years, I had dreams about that day or dreams about chaotic ocean waves. I gained a decades-long fear of water, especially the ocean. It took me 35 years to make peace with the ocean and realize that surviving the sea’s power at the age of 10 was a remarkable feat. Understanding this helped me to fully understand that I am a wayfinder for myself and others. Unfortunately, it was only one of many childhood experiences I would endure.
That day at the beach became a metaphor for my life. Again and again, I found myself caught in overwhelming, unexpected experiences, emotionally drowning in waves of trauma. Helplessness, hopelessness, and overwhelm felt like a constant state of survival for me. I often wondered when I would finally be pulled under for the last time.
Yet, I am still here. I’m turning 45 in August, and I’ve managed to survive this far. Through years of healing, I began transitioning from a state of survival to living on my own terms, in my flow, following my rhythm, with the hope of inspiring others to find theirs.
Not only am I here, but I have learned to move with the rhythm of life’s waves. I can now swim out of the undertow when needed, ride the waves when possible, or float when I need to conserve energy. I used to think success meant constant achievement to gain a badge of worthiness. I’ve accomplished a lot in my years; despite all I have been through. I’ve impressed and inspired others by turning dreams into reality. However, in the last few years, my definition of success has changed.
For me, success looks and feels like sturdiness and stillness in my being. It means my life is no longer driven by the survival of trauma, from nearly drowning, narcissistic abuse, bullying, food insecurity, education insecurity, and sexual assault, among other experiences, all before age 18. Post-traumatic healing is possible, and it is the greatest success of my life. Everything that follows is a reflection of my personal growth and overcoming.
I spent years searching for ways to heal, but the key was finding what worked for me and my own rhythm. EMDR and tapping helped me the most in therapy. Empowerment Self Defense gave me a sense of physical safety. Aroma Freedom Technique helped release trauma from my mind, memories, and body. Studying the subconscious helped me shift my patterns. Through a process called The Dig, I discovered my authentic internal operating system and my guiding word: FLOW. This one word has become an anchor for my being; no matter what is happening around me, it gives guidance.
I’ve dedicated the last 25 years to healing and helping others on their journey to discover their personal power and develop sturdy internal systems, enabling them to live as their most authentic selves. Healing isn’t linear. Sometimes the waves feel endless. Sometimes despair lurks nearby, but I believe personal healing and empowerment are possible.
Try many things. Do what works for you. Choose what’s best for you, even if others don’t understand it. We are all different, and sometimes we need different experiences to heal and thrive. Your personal choice for healing is your personal power.
