By Karina Solomon
Valentine’s Day is here. It’s the most romantic day of the year… if you’re in a committed relationship. But if you’re newly divorced, widowed, or single for any reason and wishing you weren’t, Valentine’s Day can feel like an unwelcome spotlight shining on what’s missing in your life. It can be a reminder of lost love, loneliness, or even a fear that you may never find love and connection again.
For many women over 50, this day can bring a mix of emotions, from nostalgia to discomfort. You might feel daunted by the thought of facing Valentine’s Day alone for the first time in years. For some, there’s even a lingering fear of growing old without a partner. But before you rush to fill the void with a new relationship, consider this: Have you taken the time to fully complete your last one?
Why “Completing” a Past Relationship Matters
Whether your previous relationship ended in divorce, separation, or loss, it’s vital to acknowledge that just because it’s over doesn’t mean you’re over it. Unresolved feelings, regrets, or lingering attachments can cloud your ability to fully engage with someone new. Without doing the work to process and complete your past, you might find yourself repeating old patterns—and divorce statistics bear this out:
- 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce.
- 60+% of second marriages end in divorce.
- 70+% of third marriages end in divorce.
These numbers tell a sobering story: Many people carry unhealed wounds and unlearned lessons from one relationship to the next, leading to a higher likelihood of future breakups. To break this cycle, it’s essential to take the time to reflect and grow before stepping into something new.
The Warning Signs You’re Not Ready Yet
Have you ever found yourself on a date, excited to meet someone new, only to spend the evening listening to him talk about his ex-wife? Maybe he vented about her “bipolar” tendencies, financial disputes, or custody battles. Or perhaps he painted a picture of a perfect past—the beach house, ski trips, and family life—leaving you feeling invisible as he reminisced. Either way, it’s clear he’s still emotionally entangled in his past.
But let’s turn the lens inward. Have you ever gone on a date only to find your mind drifting back to your ex? Maybe you compared your date to him, wondering if your ex was dating someone better-looking or realizing you and your ex had more in common. If your thoughts are more focused on your past than the person in front of you, it’s a sign that you might have some work to do.
Steps to Complete a Relationship
Completing a relationship doesn’t mean erasing the past; it means coming to terms with it in a way that allows you to move forward unencumbered. Here’s how to start:
- Take Inventory: Reflect honestly on your previous relationship. What worked? What didn’t? What were your strengths, and where could you have done better? This isn’t about blaming yourself or your ex but understanding the dynamics that played out.
- Acknowledge Your Emotions: Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions—grief, anger, relief, or even guilt. Suppressing these feelings will only cause them to resurface later.
- Identify Patterns: Are there recurring themes in your relationships? Maybe you’ve chosen partners who were emotionally unavailable or found yourself avoiding conflict until it was too late. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to changing them.
- Forgive and Release: Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning hurtful behavior; it means freeing yourself from the burden of resentment. This applies to forgiving both your ex and yourself.
- Learn New Skills: Relationships require effort and adaptability. Whether it’s improving communication, setting boundaries, or fostering emotional intimacy, commit to learning the skills that will help you thrive in a future partnership.
A Real-Life Example
Years ago, I worked with a male client who was 54 and newly single after a long-term relationship ended (she left him). He’d had three failed marriages and another long-term relationship that hadn’t worked out. When we met, he was estranged from his adult son and had no relationship with any of his exes. “Wow,” I said, “three marriages and two failed relationships. Want the fourth to be your final? How about some new skillsets?”
He took the challenge to heart. Through coaching, he reflected on his past, identified his patterns, and worked to build healthier habits. He made amends with his son such that he even officiated his son’s wedding! A few months ago, I saw a post celebrating his first anniversary with his fourth wife-and she’d been the last girlfriend that left him! This time, he’d done the work—and it showed.
The Payoff of Doing the Work
When you take the time to complete a past relationship, you set yourself up for success in your next one. You bring clarity, emotional availability, and a deeper understanding of yourself to the table. You’re able to be present with a new partner, unburdened by the weight of what came before.
No matter how fabulous your dating profile is or how great your photos look, if you haven’t addressed your past, it will show. You might attract people who are also stuck in their pasts, creating a recipe for more heartache. But when you do the work, you attract healthier, more aligned partners who are ready for the kind of relationship you truly deserve.
Final Thoughts
This Valentine’s Day, instead of focusing on what’s missing, focus on what’s possible. Use this time to clear your canvas and prepare for an irresistible relationship. Whether that means journaling, seeking therapy, or hiring a coach like me, take the steps you need to heal and grow.
Remember, love isn’t just about finding the right person; it’s about being the right person. And that starts with completing the chapter you’re leaving behind so you can step into the next one with an open heart and a clear mind. You deserve it!
