by Dr. Julie Ducharme
I grew up in a home with a very helpful father. When he came home from work, he didn’t just get in his chair, put his feet up, and wait for dinner. My father helped with everything from dinner, to laundry, children, to whatever was needed to help my mom. And to add to that, he was a gentleman as well — always opening doors, taking heavy items out of people’s hands, and helping out. So when I grew up, I saw this nice balance of division of labor between my parents, and that is how I built my relationship with my husband. I told him we were a team, and that I needed him to help with dishes, cleaning, laundry, and watching children just as much as I was. Why? Because I was working full time just like he was. So would it be fair for me to work all day, do all the cooking, all the laundry, all the cleaning? No! Or cancel my work because he wouldn’t watch kids or help? No, I would be wiped out and completely unbalanced. So, we have always done it like this. In fact, if I am working on something I can say to my husband, “Hey, can you get dinner started or can you get the kids in the bath while I finish this up?” He definitely does his share of the work, and we both work together as a team. It’s not perfect, nothing ever is, but we work at it.
Why is the division of labor in the home important for equity issues with our children?
Very often I see many women struggling as their husband/ or significant other does not help with not only home stuff but also the kids. They are unaware when the kids have a day off from school, what their schedule is, and very often do not help with the long list of needs. Right now, studies show mothers are still doing 65% of the childcare work in the house. This idea that current dads have become more involved is very much embellished.
Why is this happening in an era where women and men are the most equal they have ever been (or at least it looks like we are equal)? Why are women not sitting down with their significant others and saying “Hey, I can’t do this on my own, I need your help”. I watch friends struggle as they try to find childcare because their husbands/ or significant others that are home are not willing to watch the kids, or they just can’t handle the kids by themselves. It’s shocking at the least, and I’ll be honest, it angers me as I watch women struggle as they do 90% of everything while the dad/husband/significant other shoulders little of the home work and kids.
I remember something key that my OBYGN said to my husband in front of me after I had my first child. She said, “Mothers who do not get enough sleep are more likely to have postpartum depression, you need to help out and make sure she gets to rest.” I was shocked to hear her say that and I don’t know of many doctors that do say that to the husbands, but that was crucial for me. I realized that I had to make sure there was a balance because I did not want to be in that situation. To top that off, women have high depression rates already, and lack of sleep and unbalanced lives contribute to this. So you put two working parents together, kids, the women are doing 90% of everything, and she is sure to face some depression from exhaustion and more.
Division of labor in the home is one of the most important gender-equity issues in our time. But studies show that at this current rate of how men are behaving in the home, it will be close to 75 more years before men start to do half the work that women do at home.
I have talked to many women who said they have sat down and talked to their husband and asked for help but they just refused. One woman told me she’s been trying for years to get her husband to change. She said she just came to realize she was on her own. Studies show as well, behaviors like these tank relationships, affect health in a negative way, and create undue stress among the children as they see the stress between the parents.
Ladies, it’s time to communicate and get your husband/significant others in on this journey. It might be tough, and may not be a pretty conversation as well, but explaining to them how important it is for your children to see the way you two work together might spark some change. You are not less of a woman if you ask for help. In the end, you will be stronger for it.
To those men who are rocking it like my hubby and have joined hand-in-hand to help their wives, I applaud you. And women, make sure you appreciate them as well. To those men who are not helping nearly like they should, it’s time to evaluate how your presence and behavior looks to your children who are watching you. If you don’t have a hubby or a significant other, then build your tribe, no one needs to go it alone and you and your kids will be better for it.
